Saturday, February 21, 2009

Set me Free.

Please help me break this chain that is securing my emotions and preventing me to move forward. I've been stuck in this place for like 3 weeks now. No matter how hard I try, my mind and my heart is still in a battle and I'm in the war zone.

It hurts a lot and I don't even know why I am experiencing this kind of pain. Maybe because since I was a kid, get all the things that I want. If I can't get it myself, my mom or other people will do the job for me. But now, I can't ask them to buy this one for me; no amount of money or connections can acquire this.

Perhaps this is why I'm sad... I can't and will never win him.

I thought that this was over and that I am okay but as the day turns into night, I still think about him and I can't control it. Every second I see a picture of him in my mind and the feeling starts allover again.

I want to wake up from this nightmare and fantasy that I started. I'm the writer and director of the story but the events doesn't seem to turn out the way I planned it to be. Every scene and every chapter only brings sadness to me. I want to wake up and escape.

I'm just thankful that my bff, Chris, is always there for me. She helps me understand the situation and keeps on reminding me of all the good things in life. I can't imagine myself without her help, especially in this moment of my life.

My heart is breaking but it will surely be fixed soon.

I hope that this will be my last emo post this month. Haha.

*Sings*

And I hate how much I love you boy.
I can't stand how much I need you.

And I hate how much I love you boy.

But I just cant let you go.

And I hate that I love you so.


:D

Oh noooooooo.

Can you please slap or splash me with water the next time yo see me?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

One Way: Do Not Enter.

I found this interesting sign from the net and I felt it hit the bullseye.


This is true especially after my last serious relationship. I have this weakness of giving all my love to that person even if sometimes I feel that they does not love me back. Maybe I'm just excited to experience love again even though I know that nothing would happen. And the love I give will not grow into something I thought it would.

When I like someone, it hurts.
When I really like someone, it burns.
When I love someone, it's lethal.

Will this be the case forever?

PS: Maybe this is just a post-valentine's day condition. :p

Sunday, February 8, 2009

This Must Stop.

I know I've been crazy this past week. This drama in my life is affecting me a lot more than I expected it to. The supposed to be inspiration is slowly nearing its expiration. I must put an end to this - my fantasy.

It's either I cannot concentrate or I concentrate a lot with my work and I'm feeling that it is not healthy. I find myself staring blankly outside the window or just sitting in front of my laptop, doing nothing.

Earlier today, I was home alone and a lot of things were being processed in my mind. Not just about the current situation but about different factors in my life. The bottom line is that: I am scared.

Scared to love.
Scared not to love.
Scared not to be loved.
Scared to lose people.
Scared about my work.
Scared about my future.
Scared about what people think of me.
Scared to age.
Scared to be rejected.
Scared to be alone.

I try to act like there's nothing wrong. It's hard but I kind of got used to it whenever I'm out in front of my students, my family or friends. What I am feeling cannot really be explained. I just know that my chest will explode anytime soon. I want to cry and let all of these out of my mind and heart even just for a while.

Some might find this shallow or think why am I making a big deal out of it. But it's hurting me and making me feel depressed so I think that's enough reason for me to put my attention to it... and people close to me can see that.

Maybe it's the time of the year when my mind play tricks on me and I'm sure that I will just laugh at this post soon. I wanna let this all out that's why I'm writing... hoping that this will help me recover.



PS: The music that iTunes is playing the whole day is not helping me in any way. Lol.

(-_-)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Ano na ito?

Bakit ako nagkakaganito?
Ayoko na munang isipin pa.
Kung may dahilan man ay gusto kong ito ay malaman na.
Hindi ito pwede.
Hindi ito uubra.
Magkaiba kaming dalawa.
Ayokong mag-feeling dahil baka wala naman talaga.
Hindi ko na lalagyan ng kulay pa.
Alam ko namang napaka-imposible nitong mangyari.
Sa ngayon e natutuwa lang naman ako sa tuwing makikita siya.
Nakakaaliw lang dahil sa mga katangian niya na iba sa mga kasama niya.
Sana nga ay tama ako na hindi siya katulad nila.
Hindi naman ako naghahangad na maging kami pa.
Gusto ko lang na makita siyang maayos at masaya.

Alam kong korni ito pakinggan pero blog ko ito kaya wala ka nang magagawa pa.


Eto nga at tapos na.

(^_^)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Elements of Life


The album for this month is:
"Elements of Life"
by Tiësto

Tiësto I think is really the best dj alive. His music is different and can be easily distinguished from other DJs.

My top 3 tracks in the album are:
1. 10 Seconds Before Sunrise
2. Dance4Life
3. He's a Pirate

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Hell Week.

Since I started teaching, I've never experienced cramming everyday and making lectures for next day's class.

Why?

This term, I am teaching subjects that I have never taught before: Operating System, Program Logic Formulation, and Data Structures and Algorithms. Every night, I read 4-5 books just to refresh my mind with the topics and lectures that I have learned like 2 years ago. I have a fear of not knowing even the smallest detail of my lecture for the day. Sometimes it happens when a student asks me about something related to the topic. Of course, as a teacher, you cannot just tell the student that you do not know what he's talking about. That's why I see to it that I have an answer to every question raised by them.

When I get home, I oftentimes recall what happened in all of my classes. I rate my performance for the day. I wonder if I have delivered the topic well and if they understood all the things I said. Based from that, I try my best to change and improve so that I can become a better teacher and at the same time, not get bored with what I do.

From now on, I must organize my lessons and make plans for each week.

I have learned my lesson.

LOL

(^_^)